March 8th, 2008

The big why revisited

I must say I am a tad disappointed by the follow up on the “the big why (men die first)“. So this left me with only the option to post the Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve.

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s dentist’s or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

And finally, the #1 reason why God created Eve….

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”

March 8th, 2008

The park

Justice at last!!!!! Amsterdam’s Vondelpark is an oasis in an otherwise let’s say busy city center. And well, erm, some people, esp in the gay scene like to have sex in the bushes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like a nightly orgy there, but yes it DOES happen, frequently, hush hush. Illegal btw. The city administration and the police now decided that people walking their dogs without a leash, read, biting at runners (or to people having sex, hehe) or shitting on the playground are actually a bigger nuisance than, well, the nightly rompers. So, they’ll quit chasing the gaspers and go after the barkers owners. LMAO!

February 26th, 2008

The big why

Ok, ok, granted. This is not the sort of humor to be displayed here, so I dare the female readers to post me a sick alternative.

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy.
  •  If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough … you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay … you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you … its equal opportunity.
  • If you mention how nice she looks … its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet … its male indifference.
  • If you cry … you’re a wimp. If you don’t … you’re an insensitive bastard.
  • If you make a decision without consulting her … you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination. If SHE asks you … it’s a favor.
  • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear … you’re a pervert. If you don’t … you’re gay.
  • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist. If you don’t … you’re unromantic.
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape … you’re vain. If you don’t … you’re a slob.
  • If you buy her flowers … you’re after something. If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful.
  • If you’re proud of your achievements … you’re full of yourself. If you don’t … you’re not ambitious.
  • If she has a headache … she’s tired. If you have a headache … you don’t love her anymore.
  • If you want it too often … you’re oversexed. If you don’t … there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they want to.

Erm… Thanks tha.

February 23rd, 2008

The movie

I wrote earlier about “Deep throat”, to be aired tonight. Today in a local newspaper the comic “Fokke en Sukke”:

Title: “Fokke and Sukke finally understand why Rouvoet *) was so against broadcasting”

Fokke: THAT doesn’t make them get kids.

Rouvoet is the name of the right christian wing minister who announced “the administration would investigate if it was possible to forbid the broadcast”, and was quickly overruled by the one who is in charge of the public network system, saying “we will not do any investigation. In fact, the administration has no opinion about any program of any broadcaster”, closing the case.

Added February 25th: Loosely translated quote:

(…) The broadcast did kick up quite some dust in advance. Believers claimed action with prayers. Christian oriented political parties had major objections to airing the porn movie. The Christian parties see the film as a form of “sexual exploitation and profit”. Despite that, according to the agency that polls viewers behavior, 160,000 CDA voters  (y-t: biggest party. Christian focus) watched the channel between 00.30 pm and 01.30 pm. 20.000 ChristenUnie voters (y-t: Fundamental Christians) were watching at that time.

So far, a complete non-item.

February 16th, 2008

The ape

While waiting for that PBS show to download, National Geographic presented me with this amazing 1 minute clip.

 So you think you are smarter than a chimp

Too funny!

February 2nd, 2008

The physical properties of hell

Admitted, this is probably over the net for quite a while, but being a science & technology leaning hard core atheist, I found this too funny.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Thanks Jeff Kee.

December 15th, 2007

The helicopter and santa

Last Wednesday, a Dutch air force Apache helicopter hit a high voltage line where it crosses the “Waal” river, the largest river in my wet, wet country. They made an emergency landing in a nearby meadow, but of course the lines went down, into the river, cutting off 100.000 people from electricity (fridges, heaters, light, the lot) and because of the very complex situation (unusually high poles, an unusually long crossing, the busy river), it took a frigging 2 full days to repair. Add to that a 2 days closure of a very busy river connecting Germany’s biggest industrial area (“ruhrgebiet”) with the largest harbor in the world (“Rotterdam”). Today, comedian Youp van ‘t Hek published this item.

The pilot looked down, overseeing the muddy area and was struck by a wave of melancholy. Strong melancholy. Softly he hummed a tune and his thoughts wandered to childhood images. “December” was the title of the old school image where as a youngster he had been staring at for almost a year. Each time the lesson was boring his eyes were drawn to the crowded drawing. Frozen locks between snow covered, children sledging, ready to make a real snowman with carrot nose, coal eyes, a beautiful hat, a thick scarf around his neck and knots on his belly. Stern skaters with a cake and cocoa, that looked so good he almost smelled the chocolate.

The farms spewed slow smoke streaks and he could see how nice and cozy it was inside. The pre television era. No Internet, a board game, the soft noise of folding clean sheets. In the warm stable the happy cows sighted.

The pilot asked whether he was looking at progress. A jammed A2 freeway, with crawling traffic both ways, the sad new office buildings spewing out bright white fluorescent light. Glass showcases filled to the brim with caddish BMW’s and the plastic road restaurant.

(…) The pilot looked closer now. He could cry, cry over nothing. Cry over the loss. Where was the cold? Where were the skates? The thick sweaters? The snow? The ear warmers? And the opinion of a grandfather to stack old newspapers under your sweater to to say warm? The hot water bottle? The hot stove? The soup on the petroleum stove? The pilot saw car parks full of cars that were all similar. All John Does. In the offices were men. Men in suits. And there were also women! The women looked all alike or wanted to look alike. Women all softly doubting whether to silicone or not.

And then the pilot saw the reindeer. Seven moose’s made out of lights pulled a cheering Santa Claus. Santa Claus was made from LEDs. A few sheep looked at their watch while they whispered to each other that it is still a long way from Christmas. A horse ran sideways because it had been trained like that, dancing sideways to awful music. The horse cried in silence. His grandfather had pulled a flatbed, his father a plough, and he, he got a gay curly perm in his neck hair because people thought it looked nice. Elastic socks on its ankles and strange hair. Very strange hair.

He thought about his upcoming Christmas diners. He saw a cafe with a Santa Claus attached to the roof. He saw seven cafes with seven Santa Clauses to the roof. He saw eighty Santa Clauses and eighty cafes, and that is when he snapped. He did see the pole, he did see the lines, even if he denied that later. He saw them very clear. He sent his helicopter down. Dexterous and knowingly. This was better for everyone. Tears ran down cheeks. He was crazy. The others were sane. Completely sane.

Yeah, the largest artificial Christmas tree in the world (1000 feet transmitter pole), less than a mile from where I live was lit yesterday too.

Disclaimers: My and googles translation. Not entirely fair use I guess. And he has a way with language, not everthing here is translated cutting corners, the original has those unexpected twists too.

December 9th, 2007

The housewives

Cartoon

October 20th, 2007

The Turkey

Chuckle!

Turkey

October 13th, 2007

The anger management

OMG I laughed my … off reading this. I am not posting a link here as it came from let’s say a NSFW site,  but Sassy, you made me laugh BIG TIME!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying “Hello.”I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen,” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”

I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

He said, “Yes?”

I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah,” He screamed, “Stop calling me,” I said, “Make me,” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, asshole,” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.